My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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