i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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