Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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