I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
