his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
