im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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