the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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