I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
