i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
