Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
