once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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