It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She bit a glass in half.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
