Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
