I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize