WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
