I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
