Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
