he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
