Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
