Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
