i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize