He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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