Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize