you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
