I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
