By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
