Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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