i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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