Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
