If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
