it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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