I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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