I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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