If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
