I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
