Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
