I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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