I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize