phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
