Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
