My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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