I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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