Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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