My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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