so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
