I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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