Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize