I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
and you fell through a lawn chair
as a side note pls kill me
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