i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
