Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
