You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
