I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
