How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
