I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
