Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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