i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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