Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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