Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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