Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize