I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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