my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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