I love black thongs
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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