Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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