Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
