It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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