sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize