do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize