So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
