cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
