Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
